archaeologists working somewhere in the Middle East have unearthed a
collection of Stone Tablets containing GPL writings which confirm the
accuracy of the GPL Bible supplied with the Papyrus computer game of the
same name, also known as the Steve Smith guide. The tablets have been dated
to around AD 1998.
The writings are attributed to a figure known as the High Commander Of GPL,
rumoured to have lived around the same time. Though details are sketchy the
following words have been translated so far from the ancient texts :
"And thou shalt build an ark of wood, measuring 2 cubits by 1 cubit by 1
cubit and in it thou shalt place thy GPL box, thy GPL CD, thy Papyrus
manuals and nothing else. And thou shalt burnish it in gold and ivory and
fine coverings, and thou shalt place it in a place of honour in thy home.
This thou shalt call the Holy Temple of GPL which I shall instruct thee how
to build". - Papyrus 4:5
"Thou shalt have a temple in thy home, measuring about 6 cubits by 10 cubits
by 8 cubits. This temple thou shalt clean with many libations, then thou
shalt decorate it, and in this temple thou shalt place thine PC, a steering
wheel of good repute, a comfy chair, a computer desk from a major
manufacturer, a phone line or cable connection and a coaster, that thou many
bring in many refreshments for the time of playing, be it day or night." -
Hot Lap Kings 29:43
"Much shall be the going out and the coming in from the temple, many shall
be the late night sessions, thou shalt play GPL on the Monday, on the
Tuesday and all thru the week, yea even on the race day weekend, saith the
GPL High Commander." - Lapperonomy 1:2.
"If thou hast children thou shalt call the first born VeeROC and the second
Disco, that the people may know thy faith in GPL and rejoice." - GPL Psalms
19:3
"But take heed of my commandments, lest thy sully and corrupt thy hard drive
with second rate games such as Super Mario Kart, F1 Racing Simulator and
Johnny Herbert's World Championship. I will not leave him unpunished he whom
amuses himself with games of that nature, for such things are an abomination
to me, and I will have them out!" - I-Play-Ah 4:15:
"Therefore, gird thy loins, patch thy GPL to make it bug-free, and rejoice
in the ways of GPL !! Take thine Ark out once per week. Take it out in to
the streets and into the outermost places, yea, even into the places of the
Amorites, the Hittites and the unknown peoples whom no-one understands
(rumoured to be Newcastle, Sunderland and some parts of Birmingham). For
they see GPL and comprehendeth it not !!"
- Monocoques 55:4
"Show them the Force Feedback and the Car Handling, show them the Graphics
and the Replays. But most of all show them the Holy Circuits, including the
Nurburgring and Spa. For such things are a joy unto me and I shall reward
thee greatly, yea, maybe even with a GPL2." - Contracts 6:3
"For behold the days are coming when the people of Playstation 2 and the
Dreamcast shall mock thee, saying 'These are the times of modern F1, binding
contracts and wing failures, and where is thy downforce? Whom is this
Wolfgang Woeger of whom thou speak in hushed tones, what is a Ramp Angle? We
know nothing of these things!'. Be not discouraged, for such as these shall
I punish, says the High Commander, and mighty is my wrath !! Sores and
pustules shall afflict their backsides, their hard drives will crash
continually, their power shall be cut off and I will empty their stockings
on the Yuletide day. And they shalt wail and gnash their teeth in the outer
darkness, for no electrician or Techie shall be found amongst them ! And
then they shall know that I am the High Commander and GPL is my game." - GPL
Revelations 15:9