Ok here I go..........this is either going to work or make me look like a
complete numb nuts.
This was the first time I put a serious effort into the game for a season,
probably embellished a couple a things but what the hell....!!!!!
*
<cough>
"aaaaaaand cue Murray..!!!!!!!"
"Wwwwwwelcome viewers to another scintillating F1 season on ITV (Internet
TellyVision), here we are at Kyalami in sunny South Africa for the start of
the Formula 1 World Championships for 1967 which promise AY nother
OUTstanding year of motor sport.
Beside me, as ever is Martin Brundle, Martin whats YOUR feelings and INsight
for the coming season..?"
"Well Murray, new drivers, new cars, new circuits what more could you ask
for..!!. All the ingrediants are here for some great racing and another
great year.
But despite all that Murray, you just have to put your money on the Lotus 49
this year, they're looking strong as ever with their new Ford DFV engine,
its quick, nimble with lots of high end grunt they're definately the team to
beat.
The Eagle and Murasama teams are here with brand new chassis and engines so
their performances will be one's to watch whereas Ferrari just seem to have
stood still as usual...still too much politics behind close doors I fear
Murray.
"Hurr hurr Controversial as ever Martin!!, still couldn't agree more Lotus
are the team to beat AND they've got an impressive driver line up this
year..."
"You can't go far wrong with Clark and Hill Murray, bags of experience and
real racers who will undoubtdley get the best out of the car..."
"Now Martin, what about their new driver, not heard much of him, came
through the GP2 series with flying colours but this is the big league do you
think he can cut it...?"
"Time will tell Murray, he seems fairly solid, had a lot of testing at Monza
so we'll have to see. I'll tell you something though, if he can't do it with
this team he won't ever do it.."
"ABsolutely Martin, AND its FANTASTIC to see another Brit in F1, so viewers
look out for him this season and I'm sure we all wish him the best of
luck.."
"We join the action for 1st qualifiying and LOOK Martin, do my ears decieve
me or is that the LOTUS first out..YES IT IS and by jove its idav, he's out
early in the session....."
"Taking advantage of a clear track Murray, good tactics and there he goes
past the pits on his first run and just listen to that DFV go!!!!!"
"OH YES he looks so smooooooooth Martin, cool, calm and
collected.....!!!!!!!!!"
**
Bang!!!!!!!!
"Eh........what the fuck........?"
A shower of metal and sparks exploded behind me arse.
"Awww hells bells........!!" banging the wheel giving the budgie a fright.
I slammed me feet doon on the plastic pedal bringing the car to a
halt..........press Esc.
Sitting in the pit, me mechanic sidles up ter me and gives me the beady eye.
"Look son, don't rev the shit ootah the engine you're ganna blah the bugger
to kingdom come...!!, just teck your time, short shift until ye find your
feet.."
I nod getting back into the seat sticking a piece of gum in me gob.
"Ok here we go......"
Shift'n through 1st and 2nd I head out back onto the track as Gurney and
Rindt thunder past, toddling through Crowthorne and Barbaque Bend I press
the plastic to the floor sawing back and forth on the wheel trying to get a
bit of heat into me tyres.
Sidling around the last kink, I click the car through the gears as I fly
through the home straight and Ist flying lap, hit the black stripe and pile
on the brakes shiftin doon until I hit 1st and squeeze through the two slow
corners before zipping up through 3rd and 4th, the car wobbling like a jelly
on a fucking plate.
"Grip fer fucks sake..." I mutter as the tailend begins to fishtale
something cronic powering through Jukskel Sweep, Clubhouse Bend before
slamming on the brakes and cruise through the Esses before giving the engine
full welly onto the homestraight.
Crouching over the wheel, stick in another coupla laps feelin as if I'm
flying before pulling (Esc) into the pits before I run out of gas and flick
the screen.
"How've I done....?"
"1.27.55"
"Who's fastest.......?"
"Clark.........1.22."
"Eh......where the fuck did he find 5 seconds......?" seriously deflaited.
Check the setup, right side tyre temps seriously screwed, bung in a couple
of notches of camber and a bit of toe-in at the front.
Head out again.............
Fanny on for the next hour trying bits n' bobs of combinations before
calling it a day and fast forwarding....
With a deep breathe flick the chart and ............bollox.
13th.
Clark first, followed by Hill, Hulme and Surtees.
"Shite..." I wince going for a piss.
**
"Annnnnnnnnd cue Murray....!!!!!"
"Here we are at Kyalami for the first round of the Formula 1 series for
1967, we're just a couple of minutes away from the start of the race and all
the cars are on the grid AND so is Martin Brundle......over to you
MArtin....."
"Thanks Murray, its a baking hot day and 80 laps is really going to test the
drivers and their cars to the limit, once again the Lotus has dominated
qualifying with Clark looking particularly impressive in race trim but look
out for Surtees in the Murasama...could be the surprise of the weekend.
Sadly, I'm standing by 13th spot and the Lotus of idav, he'll really have to
do much better than this if he wants to keep his seat.....give us a wave for
the viewers back home idav (fuck off ye poncey pillock).
Back up to you Murray."
Race 1 - Kyalami (as much as I remember of it!!!!!)
Can see sod all......stuck behind the Eagle of McLaren, look right at Ickx's
Coventry...start to feel me palms sweat.
The engine revs increase blasting from me speakers, stick me tongue out
between pressed lips...
"Tek your time, don't do anything bloody stupid............."
The frame rate drops to 15 (gulp - gotta V3) as all hell breaks loose around
me, figuring I'd better shift me arse sharpish, stick it into first.......
"Wheelspin........!!" as I feel the tub shiver and shake before getting a
grip, bang we're away down to the first corner noticing a Ferrari dodging
aboot in me mirrors.
Absolute mayhem at Crowthorne as everyone filters through, back off way
before I should making bugger lugs behind me take evasive manoevers.
"Don't bloody hit me..!!!!!!!" I blurt out giving a BRM a wide berth as it
dips inside to my right, whew!!!!!, get through the next bend and notice a
couple of daft buggers grasscutting and one on fire by the fence.....hurr
hurr..
Hate first laps, while they can be as exciting as hell, they can knock a
couple of years from your ticker anyway, gets through first lap lying in
15th place....a couple of seconds behind Parkes in the Ferrari which looks
as wide as a brothel keepers arse in front of me, behind kissing the gearbox
is Gunther in the Eagle.
Passing through lap 10, still in 15th before I decide to make me move and
grab me knackers in me hands, slippin and slidin through the last the Esses
and accelerating up past the kink, slingshot and get a bloody good toe from
the Ferrari as I stick it right up his crankshaft....
"Right ye little shit........"
Whip out to the right as we both approach the first corner, its all aboot
whose chicken now......slam down through the gears and wobble into 1st
stickin the cowl into the apex of the corner forcing him wide making him
brake up suddenly.........yeeeeeeeeeeeessssss!!!!!!!
Me first serious overtakin' manoever.
Beats an orgasm any time........:-)
Feeling more confident, I block him off watching him bob and weave in me
mirrors...
"No chance sunshine......."
Up to 14th.....Waaaaaaayyyyyyhaaaaaaayyyy.
Pit puts up the board tellin me I'm 5 seconds behind the next geezer...
"Blimey, had better get a move on....."
It wasn't until lap 25 before I got me chance to size him up......Irwin in
the BRM.
Employing the same tactics, stuck meself right under his gearbox as we
headed onto the homestraight.......
Er except.......this sod turned out to be a right bastard and demon
braker...
Figuring I couldn't get anymore speed from drafting him, pulled oot and
danced with him on the brakes, it wasn't until we were STILL side by side
that I realised that I was up shit creek.
There was abso fucking lutely no way I was going to make that corner without
breaking a nail.....
I slammed on me plastic pedals so hard that I actually stood up in the
seat......
Swearing like a seriously pissedoff drunk, I tried to slide the car into a
spin as to try and avoid thecrash barrier across from the grass
verge...........
NO fucking chance.
The BRM twitched and slowed as I shot across his front, onto the grass where
I picked up speed before slamming into the fence causing both left sided
wheels to sheer off and go bouncing away, the tub flicked up and over and
landed flat on the top of the railing sliding along it with sparks, smoke
and god knows what else belching from its arse........
"Ouch........."
Race over.......zero points (as if I was going to get any fuckers
anyway......)
Clark 1st
Hulme 2nd
Hill 3rd.
If Martin Brundle had stuck his microphone in me face, I'd have punched his
fucking lights oot.
Still, its only a game.
idav