<fx: Alec Guinness holds the flag at Watkins Glenn as drivers settle into
their cars ready for the race to start. He's wearing a Ronco T-shirt with the
slogan "Sh'ftah Keyboards: More Rs than a Pamela Anderson video!">
<Alec looks down at the small green figure tugging his shirt>
"Ready, Obi, to race they are."
Guinness sneers. "Tell me this Yoda. How come that despite your
mastery of the Force and being older than most small planets you *still*
can't, the english language, bl**dy speak!"
"Meow! ***y we are!"
<Guinness kicks Yoda into a bush. Yoda bounces off it at about 400mph
and shoots up into low earth orbit. This has nothing to do with Force Air
Bag Technology (TM) and everything to do with Sierra's idea of livening up
Papyrus's physics engine>
Guinness closes his eyes and concentrates. After passing wind his
thoughts turn to his disciple instead. "Are you prepared Luke?"
Three rows back on the grid, Luke's still trying to wedge his knees onto
the car's narrow***pit.
"You still haven't got the hang of that Lotus position have you Luke."
No Master. But it's more comfortable than doing it in the BRM.
"Perhaps Luke, but when I said: 'have you tried it in the BRM', I wasn't
referring to something which required an*** first. Now, remember
what's important for the race."
No cheating? But the Ronco sponsorship means I have to Sh'ftah at least
twice while the cameras are on me. I'll try not to go off accidentally, but...
"No Luke, I accept we have to honour our sponsorship agreements. But
choose your moments, go off cleanly... no need to take out half the field.
It's bad publicity, we'll leave that to your father's team of amateurs."
<Luke mutters something under his breath about missing out on the
*** sponsorship. Darth's Daredevils in the ***ic Murasmic
Team got all the best TV adverts, even if they could only be shown after
11pm on the Playboy Channel>
"Sour grapes again Luke?"
No Master, it's just the way these overalls ride up.
<Luke glances over to the pit lane, where Vader is surrounded by a dozen
scantily clad Playboy Bunnies. The girls wave to their Murasma drivers in
a way which suggests big bonuses and a long session of off-road
performance tuning. Nearby the two ex-lap dancers from Obi's Online
Ronco Roadsters were doing their best to compete and inspire Luke.
Sadly, since appearing in the original Ronco Sh'ftah keyboard advert, one
girl had been supplementing her income by crash testing new
McDonald's menus, and the other was halfway through a mail order sex
change. So the sight of a jiggling 300lb in a thong, and a 140lb girl with a
small bald patch, moustache, and a hairy 36DD chest was only likely to
inspire a thousand new pay websites >
"So Luke, concentrate on staying on the track until your tyres are warm.
The race isn't won..."
...till the fat lady sings, yes we've been through that before once or twice. I
seem to remember it comes just after the bit about choosing a
conservative setup for racing and just before the bit about not eating
pretzels in the car.
<Obi sighs and shakes his head. After a year's racing he was beginning
to wonder if it was time for a change of driver... R2D2's legs didn't reach
the pedals, and his little probe wouldn't reach the wheel, but he was
cheap to run and wouldn't trash any cars travelling at 0mph. Ok, he
wouldn't win any races either, but then neither did Luke, who was more
expensive than R2D2 even though he only worked for peanuts...ok,
pretzels>
"Use the Force Feedback Luke. Telegraph your intentions to the drivers
around you. Give them time to react, and if they don't react, play it safe.
There will always be other chances!"
<There's a long silence as the countdown continues>
"Luke?"
<The young Jedi wakes with a start>
Oh, sorry. Must've dozed off. Fascinating chat... wonderful. Really
inspiring.
<Guinness raises the green flag>
"Take nothing for granted Luke, GL!"
<Luke revs the throttle, feels the chassis move with the barely harnessed
power vibrating through his seat. The flag stays high. The crowd cheers.
The flag...>
<...drops!>
Gently does it! mutters Luke, easing off the grid with the well behaved
pack. He stays on the left hand side of the track, accelerates gently into
turn one as the cars ahead start to pull away slightly. The driving line's
clear, the car behind him's dropped back a bit. He glances to the right.
No car. Checks the mirrors, still accelerating, eases gently onto the
racing line before it crosses onto his side of the track. The mirror's
clear...then suddenly it's full of car!>
<sounds of two cars meeting (it's like the sound of one hand clapping,
but with more fingers... raised in a "V")>
"Oh Luke!" sighs Obi, putting his head in his hands (a case of
one-upmanship, Vader only removed hands).
Oh bollox! mutters Luke, ashamed as his out of control car bounces away
from the predictable pile up.
"Oh Ro-me-o-o-o!" cries Mindy McCready, as a bit of internet static bursts
through from MTV's website.
"Oh you great steaming piece of shyte!" cry half a dozen drivers.
Luke, blushing, makes a brief apology and quits out of embarrassment.
Andrew McPileofshyte... who thought his T1 crashing days were over.
PS This post was sponsored by Lucas Arts and is available for download
from all major websites, slowing the internet to a crawl and generating
much free publicity at the expense of other net users. It was inspired by
the bloke on BBC 24 Hour news who said "Why release the film on May
19th? Surely 'May the 4th' would have been the perfect date?" (Might not
be an original quote, but it was the 1st time I'd heard it... made me LOL)