Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations
made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today
that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of
America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft
chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for
everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White
House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press
that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a
wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned
for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be
profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve
Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and
enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft,
and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting
directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of
executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a
relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and
that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence."
In his new role at Microsoft Clinton will reportedly be earning several
times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond
as "silly", though he did say that he would make executive decisions for
the U.S.government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters.
Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be
abolished.
"Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're
doing". When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was
proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking
place".
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United
States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in
government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.
About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in
software for personal computers, and democratic government. The
company offers a wide range of products and services for public,
business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it
easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power
of personal computing and free society every day.
About the United States
Discovered in the early 1500s, the United States of America is the most
successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of
democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in
Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of
Microsoft Corporation.
"The United States of America" and "Microsoft" are registered
trademarks of Microsoft Corporation.
